VERY FUNNY OLD WORLD

Regular Magonia readers may remember the 'phantom social worker' and 'phantom health visitor' panics that we've noted over the years. Plausible sounding people with clip-boards and briefcases turn up at peoples' houses (usually the houses of those with young children) ask intrusive questions, then either walk away or are dispatched rapidly by the householder. Subsequent checks reveal that they have nothing to do with local government or health departments.

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Generally, although these people can seem rather threatening, they do not actually do anything other than ask questions. So we must hope that this disturbing new phenomenon, reported in the 'Funny Old World' column of Private Eye (5-18 August) does not spread across the Atlantic.

"You are definitely not going to believe this," Police Sgt. Spencer Crum told reporters in Sonoma, California, "Because it's the weirdest case I've come across in my entire career Actually, we're not even sure if a crime has been committed, but what happened was certainly bizarre.

"On the afternoon of Sunday May 1st, a fifty-three year-old Sonoma man opened his front door, to be greeted by a woman who said she'd come to give him an enema. Because he had undergone intestinal surgery a few months previously, he assumed she must be from the local hospital, so he let her in. Once inside, the woman guided him swiftly to his bedroom, told him with some authority to drop his pants and to lie face down on his bed, then hurriedly whipped out some rubber tubes and equipment, gave him an enema and left. The whole incident lasted just a few minutes.

'After she had gone, the man began wondering who she was, and what had happened. On Tuesday, he finally contacted us, we made enquiries, and discovered that no doctor had prescribed an enema for him, or knew who the woman was. She left no calling card, and because the man is visually impaired, we have no clear description of her. We've turned the case our domestic and sexual assault unit, but as no coercion was involved, a prosecution may not be possible. It is all highly mysterious." (Sonoma News, 9/5/11. Spotter: Malcolm Spittey.)

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